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Wot always starts with a p?
a shit

where does michael jackson go on holiday?
to Tampa with his children

why did the scarecrow win a nobel prize?
he was out standing in his field

what did one snowman say to the other?
'that's funny i can smell carrots too'

did you hear about the eskimo who spent the night with her boyfriend?
the next morning she was 6 months pregnant

whats the difference between israel and dwight yorke?
israel pulled out of jordan.

when does jeremy beadle know its bedtime?
when the big hand touches the little hand

why do Brazilians make great lovers?
They can lob semen from 50 yards

what do you do if you come across your friend in the street?
wipe it off and apologise.

a baby polar bear asks his mum one day "am i really a polar bear?"
"of course you are look your big paws" she replies
a little while later the baby polar bears asks the question again, his mother replies
"yes i'm a polar bear, your dad's a polar and you live in antartica, now eat your seal"
a little while later the baby polar bears asks the same question. the mother growing annoyed snaps "of course your a polar bear why do you keep asking?"
to which the baby yells back "BECAUSE I'M FUCKING FREEZING"

a baby polar bear walks up to his mum and says 'mum, why do i have this thick fur coat?'
'so that you can deal with the freezing polar winds son,' explained his mum
'oh ok, well why do i have these huge paws mum?'
'so that you can swim really fast and catch all the little seals'
'oh, ok, well mum, why do am i all white?'
'so that you're camouflaged against the arctic tundra son'
'well mum, why am in a Zoo?'

a fox terrier goes to place an advert in the paper, he takes a form and writes down, "woof woof, woof-woof, woof, woof woof woof, woof" and hands it to the clerk who studies it for a while and informs him that he only has 9 words and is allowed another woof at no extra charge.
"yeah" says the fox terrier "but then it wouldn't make any bloody sense, would it?"

why did the Irishman wear two condoms?
to be sure, to be sure

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