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How did Darth Vadar Know what Luke Skywalker had got him for christmas?
he felt his presents.

Two monkeys in the bath.
One says "oo oo ah oo aah"
The other asks "more cold water?"

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff".
The barman replies "Sure thing Dave... no hassle."

What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?
George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.

How do you know when a french footballer has killed sophie ellis-bextor?
When its murder on Zidane's floor.

A lady has just had a baby and her husband is anxious to take up some parental responsibility so asks the midwife if there is anything he can do. "yes" she replies "give the baby a bath while i go and run some errands". When she returns she is shocked to see the father with his fingers up the baby's nose dragging it through the water in figures of eight. "THATS NO WAY TO WASH A BABY" she yell. To which the father calmly replies "it is when the waters this hot."

Why should you never go out drinking with jermery beadle?
He can't hold his drink

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after
his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"
The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."

two condons walk past a gaybar gaybar, one turns to the other and says 'hey d'ya wanna go and get shitfaced'

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A Megasaurass

What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
Popeye kicked the fuck out of him.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotapuss.

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.

What do you call a chav in a bank?
Safe.

One night a husband comes home from work, and finds his wife asleep in bed. He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth., when he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
"What are you doing in here?" he exclaimed
"Shhhh!" she said,pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother."

 
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